It's no secret that I've done a crappy job at blogging lately. I've also been less than stellar at updating the "Honestly Motherhood" Facebook page too. First, I figured I would take a break for the Christmas holidays, but then the break took on a life of its own and I began to feel like I was somewhat unworthy of offering other mothers inspiration and encouragement. Most of my days are spent completely alone when in fact I am completely un-alone. It's quite contradictory to feel alone with a (almost) houseful of kids running about, but I'm sure most of you can relate to what I mean.
My biggest problem, I've forgotten about God and I've walked this rut in the ground of my life where I am simply going thru the motions.
I've labeled myself as "invisible" lately. I attribute this new superpower to the fact that I am often overlooked. Now, I will add a sidenote here and say that my husband is incredible. I cannot express how caring and loving he is to me....he is the perfect helpmeet and I am beyond blessed to have him. He just works a lot. And that is fine because God has blessed him with a job where, along with some sacrifices, I get to stay home with our growing brood.
So I started believing the lies that Great Deceiver would loudly scream in my head:
"You're just a mom"
"Nobody thinks of you"
"You've made yourself a servant to everyone. What kind of life is that?"
"God doesn't see you."
"Everyone asks you for help, but no one wants to help you."
And, while some of that is true, I chose to dwell on all of the above. I was sensitive, tired, overwhelmed, and running life on autopilot.
Sometimes, er, MOST of the time, motherhood is a series of actions and situations that nobody sees. You may changes diapers all day, make 3-5 meals, do countless loads of dishes, laundry, and trips to the store. You really have a never ending job and there's never any compensation. There's bills you must pay with money you don't make, there are children to teach and no assistant to tag team the process or at least keep the babies happy or at the VERY minimum, keep the laundry going and the messes in check.
And then the added requests and demands from each child can push you ever closer to that cliffs edge. The edge where you just wanna jump off and be free.
So within my soul, I screamed: "Does NO one see me?!???"
God. He sees me. He sees the weak moments. The alone moments. The laundry moments. The teaching moments. The running around moments. The moments I hurt inside. The moments I'm ashamed I lost my temper. The moments I spend 5 minutes in the bathroom. [just to disappear] The moments I know daddy won't be home for dinner. The moments I long for conversation. The moments I wish I was pretty. The moments I love my life. The moments I need a vacation. The moments I need a vacation, and I know there is no vacation in my future. The moments I want to be something more. Something great. The moments I "look like I have it all together, but you should see inside my head" moments. The moments I miss my husband. The moments I long for my homestead. The moments I look forward to heaven. The moments I feel afraid. The out-of-control moments and the moments I doubt everything.
He sees it all. He sees me. And He loves me all the same even when I don't love Him back.
I realized that motherhood is full of seasons. And just like the months and years pass by, so do the seasons of motherhood. This season is hard, but full of joyful moments. I'm thankful for the valley of loneliness because it reminded me that I am not invisible. The God of the universe sees me. And He has me where he wants me. And He continues to shower His greatest blessings on my life. I am thankful and humbled to be His child. I am mostly inadequate....in fact, I struggle daily with myself in general....not life around me....but the battle within me.
Whatever you feel as a mother right now...whatever insecurities and shortcomings you face....no matter what crappy things life throws at you...even in the most tired, crazy, "I'm done" moments...God, Jesus, YHWH, El Roi, He sees you.
He [always] sees you.