Most of you know that this year...well, it's been semi-horrible for me, for us. But it's also been equally beautiful and God-filled.
I guess I'm still gripped by a decent amount of fear and anxiety because when I consider the days that have passed since I last did (insert previously mundane, ordinary task here), it's borderline embarrassing.
Okay, so it's fully, completely embarrassing.
Things such as taking your children to the park. Grabbing those few missing items from your mental grocery list. Leaving your driveway....
It's so hard. So incredibly hard and difficult and unfair to remember what you used to be before fear and anxiety and random unexplained health issues.
I used to just GO! Just 10 months ago, I had a three month old new baby, four other little guys, my sister and her husband here and their twin toddlers and we got up one morning and I drove them to a children's museum over an hour away from our house. No big deal.
Now, today, I had to put myself in "timeout" in my van in the parking lot, "mid-co-op" and calm down. I was on the verge of frantic and I just sat in the van and sobbed while my three little girls kept begging to go to the playground with the other children.
I told them to wait as I chugged Rescue Remedy and prayed for God to "take it away" for the seventieth-millionth time.
We never made it to the playground. But not because I didn't want to, I seriously didn't know where it was located. So we hung out in the hallways until big brothers were done.
You might say, "focus on the fact that YOU WENT today...you overcame so much". But, did I really? I mean, this is typical "mom stuff". This is stuff I should have no problem doing, planning for, and finding joy in. The fact that I have to wrestle through every moment is highly irritating. I just want that part of me back that thought it was "no thing" at all to attend a homeschool co-op, drive myself to the store, or have energy to stand and make dinner anticipating my dizziness to plague me the entire time.
But, I guess, for now, I have to take the little things and make them the big things. The little things will have to matter now because to accomplish the little things is so huge for me. But I don't think it'll be any less embarrassing for me. I just don't.
So today, yea, I drove my children to a church 23 minutes away from home. And we attended the co-op. And I had one meltdown. And I helped another little girl with an art project. And I talked to a couple of the other moms...but not extensively.
I guess I'm proud of me, but I'm too exhausted to stay proud. I'm just hoping that this can be a catalyst to the old me. The me that doesn't fight or flight the whole of life.
I can't wait for the little things to not be the big things for me anymore. But, for now, I'll choose to celebrate the little things, because it's the thousands of little things that will lead me back to where I belong.