The Thickness in the Air.

Last Saturday, I had the worst panic attack of my life.  

 

I had been at an oil retreat for the afternoon. I woke up feeling a bit "off" that morning. My car was acting up and it looked as if I wouldn't even make it to the retreat. I was somewhat fine with this because of the way I was feeling.  

 

I felt an extreme heaviness in my chest. I was really down emotionally. Sad. Depressed. Somewhat checked out. But I mustered up the courage to go anyway, once I got the "go ahead" to take my car. 

 

It was about a forty minute drive thru the country. A beautiful drive. Not much to see except a few homes and a church or two. No gas stations. No stores. No restaurants. 

 

I sat thru four back to back sessions that lasted about 4 hours total.  

 

I could feel my anxiety begin to overwhelm me during that last thirty minutes. 

 

I couldn't stop fidgeting, shaking my legs, looking around...it was not a good combo with my hungry stomach.  

 

I have hunger anxiety. I mean when I say I obsess and worry over eating, I don't think I do that statement justice. I am mostly consumed by the thought of getting enough calories everyday. My bought of hyperthyroidism last year has conditioned me to be hyper hyper hypervigilant about eating and not feeling shaky.  

 

As soon as the session was over, dinner was to be served. Except, I couldn't stay. I couldn't. I had to jet out. I wanted to leave before it got totally dark outside. 

 

When my GPS never loaded and my battery life kept draining like a leaky faucet, I was in full panic mode before even leaving the parking lot.  

 

To make a lnger story, shorter, I ended up calling my husband, screamed on the phone to him that I needed him NOW and quickly pulled into a random baptist church parking lot to basically die. 

 

All of those panic attacks I've had before were like child's play compared to this guy. It was so bad, so severe, my heartbeat was just one continuous smash. It was beating so quickly I could not longer distinguish beats. My head was so overwhelmed with panic and fear with being totally lost, having a dying phone, low blood sugar, and the anxiousness that began at the retreat, I couldn't even see straight. Everything was surreal. Nothing made sense except that my death was near.  

 

Ive been on high alert since that moment on Saturday. I've not been able to effectively navigate my thoughts back to sanity except for one hour on Monday evening when I spent the entire time driving to my best friends house, praying aloud.  

 

It's amazing to see how deep and horrible Satan's attacks are. Even throughout the election season, we witnessed so many deep, ugly, disgusting truths revealed. The spiritual warfare in our land has been intense.  

 

I don't know if it's just been me, or maybe you're feeling it, too.  

 

Just like with the election results, I don't want to go backwards. I want to keep seeking truth and holding on to those truths. I want to discard the lies and the hate and the illusion that death has a real grip on me or this country.  

 

We have that opportunity to live in freedom. And we all need to take advantage of that.  

 

Love, Alicia