This morning, I sobbed.
As I watched my husband drive slowly down the driveway, I just sat in my own puddle.
It didn't matter that I had my favorite latte patiently waiting for first sip. It didn't matter that it's Friday, or that I finally had a night where I didn't cough the entire time.
After my uncontrolled emotions decided they'd had enough of a tantrum, I got up.
Normally, I wouldn't have gotten up. I would've remained in my depression. But that, I've noticed, hasn't served me very well.
So, I sent the kiddos outside to "beat the heat" and I turned on Christina Aguilera (Old Christina, to clarify). I just got busy.
I've been sick this week. And I've been trying to work out for the past 2-3 weeks almost everyday. That's unheard of for me.
In fact, one year ago today, I was a blob.
A skinny blob, but a blob no less. I spent most of every single day in my husbands brown chair. I had no energy. I couldn't eat enough. I lost weight by breathing.
I was at rock bottom. I literally longed to die. I would daydream about it. Yet, it terrified me all the same. If it wasn't for my best friend driving over 20 minutes to my house every day (for the record, I never asked her to, that's just how she is) and my other best friend loaning me her 15 year old on Wednesdays, I think my children would've had to raise themselves. It was THAT BAD.
I quickly developed this mentality that I don't deserve happiness. That I was to become a martyr to Motherhood. To life. I also believed that Christ desired me to stay in the valley with no hope of gaining the strength to climb back out.
I thought He wanted me to stay in the belly of the whale. And it's been super hard to break free from that lie the enemy planted in my heart.
In fact, up until a couple of weeks ago, I wholeheartedly believed that I didn't deserve much of anything good. That the goodness in my life had passed. I believed that I would just have to buckle up and stay on this motherhood ride until it ends eventually.
I thought "if I act happy, then people won't know how badly I'm hurting. Plus, it'll be fake and I'm not fake."
Its affected everything. My relationships. My book writing. My businesses that I long to be successful at. Everything.
I don't think my choice to exercise was what sparked a little change in me. I think it was the fact that I realized that if I want to change; If I want to see a different something in my life full of somethings, then I have to do it. I do.
Hating oneself is a deadly poison. And, I can't quite tell you why I hated myself so very much. But I think it was because I was my own worst enemy.
Maybe you're in the thick of that right now, yourself. Maybe you feel like I did, and sometimes still do, that everyone else deserves happiness except for you.
Maybe you believe a thousand and one lies like I did and find myself still doing.
Its a hard process, no doubt. I have a long way to go, myself. But, first of all, if you have Christ, greater is He. And if you have a will to change, that's all you need.
After that, make small opposite choices to what you've been doing.
Im not an expert on this subject. By far, I'm not. I just know what I've learned. And I always want to share it with you. Vulnerability is strength. Don't forget that.
And strength is only one choice away.