I've got it all wrong.
Chances are, you do too.
I was sitting in the quiet, sleepy, wishing I could be like my husband who just dozes off quickly once he becomes still. Not me. Never me.
Maybe it's the mother in me that always wants to keep one eye open just in case something goes down, unexpectedly.
So while I was sitting there I realized that I expect the impossible to occur. I have this "garden-growth" expectation with a "fast-food" mentality.
How many of us really and truly want to do the hard work to change?
I was just a bundle of nerves this morning. No particular reason. Just was. I felt that awful vibrating feeling go thru my body. Up and down. Down and up. Over and over and over again. Which makes me feel like I'm falling over, which I'm not. Which makes me ultra nervous. Which makes me more buzzy and flighty feeling. Which makes me more anxious. Which makes my heart race. Which makes me feel like I can't breathe.
And I'm like, "What the hell!???! When will this crap just stop, already?!??"
Then, I came across this podcast about the amazingness of our minds. It was a bit of a refresher course for me, as I had heard it all once before. And then it dawned on me. I've been making stupid thought choices for years now. Completely idiotic choices. Which has made my body to respond appropriately. My mind always thinks, (I'd say ballpark 85% of the time), that life resides in Doomsville.
I just want to change. I want to wake up and tackle life with energy and a smile and do the things I love. And all those things are admirable and attainable, but not so quickly. Not when I've been doing life the opposite way for so long. Not when I've chosen to live in fear and anxiety for the time that I have. But, yet, I'm still expecting this garden full of growth after two seconds of hard work. And life just doesn't work that way. (Unfortunately).
What are you noticing, this week/month/year, that needs some changing?
I'm no expert on change, although, after I tackle this mess of a thoughtlife that I have, I venture to say there may be another book on the horizon. What I do know is that we have to start thinking like a gardener. We have to plant the seeds, water them daily, give them proper sun and oxygen, and then patiently wait for them to bloom. But even after signs of life, we still must wait for the harvest. Days and weeks must pass before we can pick the fruits of our labor.
And so it is with change. We just can't expect fast-food results, because that's unheard of with change. We have to stay at it. Keep watering. We may miss a day or two, but thankfully, plants dont die after one missed watering. They die if we forget they are even there. Starve those weeds that you are trying to rid your garden of, and watch the beauty overtake the surroundings.
We have to keep tending. Keep planning for harvest. Keep looking forward to the moment when the harvest will be plenty and we have overcome.