I am so tired.
And I've felt so uninspired lately.
Writing, for me, is currently like when you haven't seen or really spoken much to your best friend in like a month. You don't overly worry about the space because you're so comfortable with it, you know the next time you meet up, it'll be as if no time had passed anyway.
But that's how I've felt about writing. I've missed it. A lot. But, yet, sometimes there's just nothing to write about. Sometimes life gives you a lot of the same, and you're tired of regurgitating the same four topics all of the time.
I had one of my semi-famous "In the Shower" lightbulb moments. I don't know why I do my best thinking in the bathroom. It's not like I don't still have a slew of groupies following me there each time, eager to observe how a human 33-year-old female uses the facilities.
My old "Chicken Soup For the Teenage Soul Journal" had somehow made it's way to the coffee table in our wood stove room. Who else had some "Chicken Soup" literature hanging around in their home in the nineties? If you did, you were just one of the millions who jumped on that train when it went chugging along for a few years.
I dared open that old book, and when I did, I not only got some good laughs, but I shed a few tears and felt my cheeks become warm, as I bared my sixteen year old soul to these pages.
Several things stood out to me:
1) My thought life was a solid pile of crap back then, too! Nearly eighteen years of hard work has gone into that since then. Fabulous.
2) My handwriting was semi-atrocious. Okay, maybe not really, but it wasn't cool like it is now.
3) I wrote down my dreams and I only had three:
Become a mother of five. (Yes, creepy).
Simple dreams. Nothing crazy.
And I gasped a bit when I realized these three little dreams that were dreamed up one afternoon after school, I'm assuming, actually came true.
And then my heart fell.
I realized: dreams coming true don't equal happiness.
I know this because I'm not happy. Whether I have a legit medical issue that keeps its heavy boot on my longing to be happy, or if it's all me, I'm not. Either way, I'm just not.
I jiggled my head back and forth slightly, as if performing that exercise would somehow shake me back into reality.
Hours later, while in the shower, God spoke to me. He may as well had just spoke audibly because it was pretty clear what the lesson was here.
He said, "I gave you your dreams, everything you wanted, and more. And I know you're not happy. Because you should've been just wanting me, instead, all along."
Sometimes God gives us everything we want, only to make us realize that He is all we really needed.
And so, dream writing may not be in my future anymore. Sure, it's not wrong to desire things and yearn to be better and have experiences that make us go "wow", but maybe the only dream worth writing down is simply this: To Understand God.
To understand someone, we've gotta see their whole heart. The only way this is possible is if we actively sit at the feet of the one we seek to desperately understand.
To take in their words, their expressions, what makes them feel purpose, to really seek to understand them inside and out.
But we're too busy to do that.
And that dream takes the focus off of me. What I want.
So we have this ability to stop dreaming up the crumbs of life, and to really find the courage to seek this Kingdom, this Creator first.
And then...all these things will be added...
And maybe we'll all be the happiest ones.
And because He is our only dream, all of the other dreams will come true.
So maybe you're feeling like I've been.
Maybe you've realized God has given you your dreams, and yet, you feel like your dreamcatcher is empty.
Share below. I love hearing from you.