A Christmas Crime

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2014


The woods in NC


As I was coming out of what I recognized as sleep, I felt something cold and wet under my right side. It startled me. I was extremely uncomfortable.  


"What happened?!!" my half-awake brain roared. 


Seconds passed and then I knew...

I am a victim, and my baby is the culprit.  

I quickly grabbed my phone to check the time. "'s morning!!!", I thought to myself. 

I lie still for seconds to make sure my baby daughter is still breathing. "She actually has the nerve to snore through this mess!!", I thought. 

Still cold, damp, and groggy I replay the events of the night. 

We fell asleep at 11... 

We woke up at 2:45... 

...and now it's, it's, MORNING?!? 


This cannot be!! Just one night prior, I asked the Good Lord to take me on up as not one minute of my flu-ravaged body saw any rest or anything that resembled sleeping. The baby, in this case, was up all night suddenly fighting the same battle as I.  


Worst night of motherhood. EVER.


And, here I am now, a victim lying in a kiddie pool of breast milk. Baby snoring to my left. Husband imitating her to my right.  

The crime scene. Exhibits A & B are the milk stained items. 

The crime scene. Exhibits A & B are the milk stained items. 

 "I'm soaked." 

"This is gross and uncalled for." 

"Wait, this means I slept." 

"WE slept."  

The perpetrator 

The perpetrator 


So I turn to my left side to even the score. Afterall, this is my chance. I'm going back to sleep.  

This is the best Christmas ever.  

**The baby is expected to receive a full pardon at date of trial. 

Dear Jesus, It's almost your birthday...

...and everyone down here is busy preparing. Two days until the season officially begins and we have so much to do!!!! Store ads have gone out to each and every home and many are planning their routes of attack. Some stores are even opening on Thanksgiving this year, Jesus, just so we can get an extra few hours in of shopping [for ourselves] for your big day. Never mind that the employees that are forced to work on this family centered holiday won't see their families this day. It's okay, right, Jesus? It's all for your birthday.:) It's almost your birthday, Jesus and the kids are getting excited! They marked up the entire toy store magazine and haven't even considered what they can give to others. But it's okay Jesus because it's always like this on your birthday and kids should he expected to be self-centered and greedy during Christmas. I know you understand. All those flashy new fresh toys wrapped up so neat underneath each decked out tree. Thank goodness Santa is around to make all those gifts appear under the tree. Thank you Jesus for making Santa. Since he's an actual real life in the flesh/on earth person, it's really awesome to be able to focus on how he makes this season happen. I mean if it wasn't for Santa, your birthday wouldn't be very fun. I'm just being honest. ;)

Oh! And Jesus, the best part of your birthday is making it all about us. It's so awesome to be able to receive all of these gifts on your behalf. Thank you, Jesus! You're so awesome to not expect too much out of us during this time...I've never seen anyone be so selfless on His birthday.

Jesus, it's almost your birthday, and there's a lot of people out there that I hear will be cold, homeless, and unloved. Please send lots of nice people that have the extra money, the extra time, and the extra heart to spend your birthday helping these people. I'm glad there are people out there like this so I actually don't have to spend your birthday helping people that can't help themselves. I mean, I'm so busy, and have already spent more money than was in my bank account, so Jesus, there's nothing left for you...or these poor people.

Jesus, it's almost your birthday, and I'm really if you'll excuse me, cyber Monday is in 6 days and that's not a lot of time to find all of the free shipping coupon codes that I need.

Love, Alicia

Ps. Oh! And happy birthday, Jesus! Love you!