life

17 going on 40

It’s only been 10 days since I turned 40.

Two days ago I celebrated exactly 17 years of being a mother. My oldest child is trying his darndest to leave childhood.

If 80 is the average lifespan, then 40 must be the tipping point.

The teeter-tottering towards a life half-lived.

Half-lived. Half of this show is over.

As decade 5 of my life begins, I can surely say that decade 4 was truly awash with lesson after lesson after painful lesson.

I learned that most humans are fake. Some of my own family members and acquaintances like to live as though their whole life is a masquerade ball. I hate that. I wish it were different. After sharing so much of my own story with others, I experience first-hand the value in being authentic and transparent. It’s electric, and people seem to really take to someone who is willing to lay it all bare.

I learned that one cannot do it all, and do it well. Especially if one tries to do it all alone. You WILL hit a brick wall eventually. Whether it’s a health crisis, mental anguish, or your home life falling apart, God will allow His prideful children the opportunity to fall. I fell. I fell so hard, that most of my fourth decade of life was spent completely humbled.

I learned that, in my case, the longer one is married the more depth and substantial the love. Most of the first decade of marriage is getting into some sort of rhythm, learning one another, fighting for your soap boxes, and laying out your values. What’s important? What can go? Do we care what others thing about our choices or are we aiming to please family members that don’t live our lives with us? I know that when a couple comes out on the other side of those questions in unity, then we are truly one flesh.

I learned that once your children reach middle school age, time speeds up times two. The ages I always “couldn’t wait” for, they’re here, and they’ve been here for what I feel like is just five minutes. It’s been over five years now. The dominoes are falling as every other year I have another child going through the woes of puberty. Teen angsty attitudes replaced the tree climbing days of yesterday, and I wish I had watched them climb trees more intently than I did because I miss the ones that don’t.

I learned in much higher doses that 99.9% of families aren’t what they seem. Nothing much shocks me anymore. I used to be gullible and think that the perfect couples and families I personally knew where just what they claimed: perfect. That’s not true. Truly so, the one’s that want you to think they are perfect are exactly not. My husband and I have never tried to give that impression to others, and if we ever have, I sincerely apologize because we are not.

Finally, I learned that God’s hand is continuously on my family. When we pray, He answers. When we need provided for, He provides. When I unravel, He is there to roll me neatly back up. When I disappoint Him, He lovingly corrects in the hopes that I will make Him smile the next opportunity He offers me.

So, as I look at my oldest and marvel that we got here at the speed of light, I see a young man with over 75% of life to go. Am I envious? Maybe of his stamina and endurance physically. However, I would never want to be his age again. I wouldn’t have what I have now: a deeper understanding of God, a love that will overcome any obstacle thrown in its path, half a dozen children that daily sanctify me, and a confidence that I never possessed about myself in high school, college, my twenties and even my early thirties.

I am proud of what I’ve accomplished through the strength of Christ, I am proud of my marriage, my children, my lifestyle, and the few relationships that have stood the test of time. From my childhood best friends that I used to play Barbie’s with, to the first “mom-friend” God gave me during the boys earliest years, to a set of sisters I can get the cousins together with, I am truly filthy rich.

God you have been so very good through it all.

May the second half of my life exponentially outdo the first half. Tall order, I know. But, if we do it together, the outcome with be inevitably fantastic!

-Alicia.

Because the Sh*t Will (Eventually) Hit the Fan

I'm so worn out by the way we do motherhood. 

And I'm realizing that there should've been a tenth chapter in my book (I already published). 

If I could go back, I would call it "Embracing One Another".

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You see, there's this huge burden on my heart lately. An old elementary school friend of mine has been in the hospital for the entirety of 2017. With her son. Who has only ever known hospital walls. 

And this son of hers, precious, beautiful, perfect child, has an extremely rare form of epilepsy that could, honestly, be terminal for this little guy. 

And yet, all around me, I see mothers go about bashing and critiquing and correcting and chastising and beating one another down. 

Oh, not so much in person, but "cowardly-style", behind our thumbs and screens. 

(There's probably some of you that are still hung up over my almost use of the "s" word in my title. Some "hypocrite Christian she is".)

We're cruel. We're brutal. We're about making sure that everyone knows that this motherhood thing can't be done any better than the way we're doing it. 

(I should know. I used to be one of them. But with experience, comes wisdom.)

And then this world has women, mothers that are literally going through hell on earth, and they'd do just about anything to get out of it. 

We seem to be so consumed about one-upping those Pinterest Darlings, that we forget that we are all human beings, with real trials, and challenges, and, yes, even feelings. 

There aren't any "safe spaces" for motherhood. (Although, a lot of you may say that Target counts).

Because aren't we all trying here? 

Isn't this gig hard enough? 

I mean, maybe we aren't trying our best all of the time. Maybe, in fact, we are barely ever trying our best. I know I don't.

Maybe our best is just in the trying. And maybe that mother that feels completely guilty for not being as blog-worthy as the next mom, just needs you to say to her that it's just right. She's doing motherhood just right. 

The sh*t always will hit the fan. It just will. There's an endless supply, if you haven't noticed yet. (Story of your life, eh?)

And maybe the walls are covered in the room you're standing in. Maybe you feel like you're the only one that can clean this mess up, but in reality, it's too much for one person. 

We need to be cleaning one another's walls. Lifting each other up. Embracing one another. Showing up and doing. Encouraging. Loving. Being. Looking. 

Looking for opportunities to pray for, come alongside, give breaks, love on, and listen to other mothers. 

Just think of one thing. 

Just one. 

And do it. Words. Deeds. Living and Breathing together. 

Because it's all hard. It's so hard by itself. Life adds the extra. 

So, be the extra-takers. 

Love, ae.

Don't Make Resolutions

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How are you doing with those resolutions?! Probably already a failure, huh?  

Here are five things to do to be a better goal setter:

1. Don't make resolutions... write down your dreams for the year! 

2. Make weekly and monthly goals instead of yearly goals. Sit down on every Sunday and write down what you have to get done for that week. You'll feel so much more organized and ready for the week! 

3. Be realistic 

4. Watch your progress! Post your goals on your mirror, fridge, anywhere you can see them daily. Write down your progress. This will keep you motivated!  

5. Give yourself grace. Listen, life gets messy and no matter how much we plan, surprises will happen. At the end of the year, I sit down with my husband and we talk about the goals we didn't accomplish. We don't let the disappointment well up inside of us. Instead, we laugh about it. We challenge ourselves to get them done the next year and add them to our New Years' list!

 

Trying to accomplish your dreams and making goals isn't about watching yourself fail, it's all about growing and becoming a better more disciplined person! 

 

So go write your dreams down! Make some goals for this next week, and remember to give yourself grace. Live life to the fullest! You only get one shot at this!